Reuters to offer insight into the occult for a blood sacrifice following the switch to subscription-based revenue
Reuters, the international news organization, announced on Thursday, April 15th that the site would go behind a paywall alongside a staggering monthly fee.
The company is restructuring its services for, “professional audiences prepared to pay $34.99 per month for a deeper level of coverage and data on industry verticals that include legal, sustainable business, healthcare and autos.” Their explanation for this change goes no further than listing other publications that also have ridiculous subscription fees.
Internet users and professionals prepared to pay $34.99 alike were shocked by the first announcement. However, everyone, including the Amish were floored by the second subscription that was announced. In addition to their new method coverage, Reuters will also be offering insight into the occult that rules the world from behind the scenes, for a price.
Seeing as this sector of insight must come with a certain amount of discretion the news company is asking for consumers to prove their commitment through a blood sacrifice. The Reuter’s statement included this, “We hope to attract gullible QAnon conspiracists prepared to pay with their own blood for a deeper level of coverage and data on the cabal that includes the location of the Bohemian Grove and the truth regarding Jeffrey Epstein.”
Now, most of the world sanely decided that they would not offer their own bodily Kool-aid for something so downright stupid. However, since the announcement Reuters’ Twitter account has been flooded with replies of gruesome attempts of blood sacrifice. Images range from small finger pricks to whole appendages being severed with captions along the line of, “GIVE ME THE ANSWERS NOW” and, “Please Rooters, I cut my penis off for this.”
